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| Sometimes it really hits you how much time has passed.
Honestly, I can't decide whether I feel young, or I feel old.
Just this week, one of my best friends told me she was expecting.
Another milestone in my life.
It's not that I haven't heard of other friends or acquaintances in the same age cohort having babies
But somehow, when it's a best friend, it kinda catches you off guard.
Marriage was one thing... but really it's not that different from when she was dating the guy.
Now, she's having a child... this changes everything we've known
It moves her away from the more self-centered focus lives we tend to live,
to one that is totally focused on someone else, namely her child.
While she worries about her child's future, I will still be worrying primarily about myself
Wow. Motherhood. It's not easily comprehended.
It's in considering motherhood when I feel that I am still so young.
It's kinda funny because just two weeks ago, I had been debating with anothe rfriend why we would even want to have kids.
She believed that the world is so destroyed that we would be doing a disfavour to a child.
She argued it would be irresponsible to bring a child into a dying world that is already overpopulated.
She felt the world's environment would not be able to provide a good home and that it would be unfair to the child to have to fight for survival and not be able to enjoy the good life.
I haven't figured out a comeback.
Other than "it is the cycle of life".
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| I am adverse to change. On the surface it would appear that I am not... considering the first chance I got, I packed up and headed to Japan for 2 years. Then this was followed by Calgary for 2.5 years, 3 months of which I hit Barcelona. But how I feel about change can be embodied in my feelings from May 2006. After spending my first year in Calgary and building a network of eating buddies, I was gradually stripped of my closest friends there. One went to Vancouver before heading back to China, the other back to Toronto and the third to Vancouver before heading to Guyana for a 6 month internship. I would have no one left for my 2nd year in Calgary. So there I was at the greyhound station with a classmate to see off the last of them. The other classmate was driver for the day and as we were heading back to the car I sighed and made some comment about not wanting things to change. My classmate, being older and perhaps wiser, said a statement "Old don't go, New can't come". (needless to say, i retorted... but i don't want new, i like the old!) It's hard to find a balanced attitude that balances past, present and future. Those who focus on the past can get caught, either in bliss of the past or be eaten by bitterness. Those who focus on the present with no regard for past or future can get lost/find they lack meaning/never learn lessons they need to. Those who focus only on the future fail to savour the present moment, the journey. And the present is what I need to focus on as I try to work through these final laps of the thesis. There are so many excuses as to why it's been such a painfully slow process. On the one hand I struggle with who I have been in the past and how it is impacting me: I'm not an analytical person. I have A.D.D., really, I do. On the other I allow myself to get distracted about what is to come. About not being able to get a job; where I should find a job. So for these coming weeks, I need to focus and care only about the here and now. I must finish this thesis as quickly as possible. Cuz there will be no moving forward till this is done. Cuz without finishing this, I will continue to be a goldfish... watchin, hearing and experiencing life through others, unable to experience it myself. I have always been content to living life vicariously- it's safe... but I have come to realize, it's not enough. I don't just want to watch and hear about. I would like to be going in some sort of direction myself. So first off, as it is getting late, I need to head to bed and more regular sleep/wake cycle. | | |
| Being an idealist, as suppose to a rational realist... I find I need reality checks from time to time. Generally, I never fare too well on them. It's not often that the reality check shows me I'm where I would like to be. For example, my thesis... Ideally... I would have defended back in September. But due to life, I wasn't able to focus on it during the summer. So I thought... no worries, I'll be able to post end of November for defence in January. Well... I'm back in the city I study at BUT not where I thought I would be. In fact, my dream of posting once I get back from Asia in Januray got dashed last week. A ex-classmate basically concluded I would defend in April... cuz had I really wanted to post in January, I should really be editing a draft... NOT writing it =P Reality Checks suck. They let me know I'm behind my already behind self imposed schedule =) But what's the lesson in all this? SPEND the time at the START figuring out EXACTLY what the objectives of your thesis is going to be. This helps filter information in the later stages. I am swimming in a lot of interesting information, but lacking a very strong message to bring everything together. I'm almost there, but not quite. Those are personal reality checks... then there are life reality checks... Last week I received an email through the school network saying there were cards for a classmate. I responded to the sender of the email and he told me she had cancer but was determined to fight. Today, I saw him in person and found out that she's not going to make it. The cancer had metaphasized (?)... it's all over her body... She has about 2 months. flashback 2 months earlier. I was chatting with this classmate about a mutual friend who had found out she had a rare form of cancer in May. During our conversastion, my classmate had commented: "It's scary. She's my age. It's scary, it could be me". (paraphrased by me) We never do know, do we? Sometimes life takes those around us, sometimes it takes us. Are we ready for either of these events? As I headed away from school, I was lost in my own thoughts and emotions. I felt solemn and sad. She is such an awesome individual- a classmate many people-students and professors alike- are fond of and respect. How much harder it is for the family if we, her classmates, already feel an inexplicable loss. She has 2 young children- she won't get to see her children grow grow up. Time should never be taken for granted. This reality check smacked me across both cheeks. How dare I put less than my best efforts into the tasks on hand. Every moment I let slip me by, the less time I have doing the things I really want to. Time won't wait. I don't want to have regrets for the things I didn't manage to do. I believe that in my life it will be the things I left undone, as suppose to the things done wrong which will crush me more. | | |
| What a crazy surprise it was to see not only my Hawaiian friend, but my Regina friend at the airport this morning. Ever since Juniper decided to come to Vancouver, I have been trying to convince Lindemann to come along. She kept telling me she had no job and was broke. My jaw literally dropped to see her. And boy did those two ever luck out. For the last 10 days, Vancouver has been depressing. Rain rain rain.... Yet, it was not only sunny, but warm today. For the first time in many years, I went to Lynn Canyon. We took the twin falls hike. it took longer to get there than it did to get back to the car =D We all got good workouts. well most of us =P   
As we were busy chatting in the car, we missed the exit to the fish hatchery and so we decided to go to Cypress Mountain's lookout first. We could even see Mount Baker. My my my.... it was gorgeous! Then, by majority vote, we went to the Aquarium in lieu of the fish hatchery.  
Once again, I havne't been inside the Vancouver Aquarium in many many years. Some things have definately changed, and others kinda stayed the same. It's been so many years since I volunteered there and could navigate myself around the various exhibits. I even once knew the various inside passages that a regular visitor would not know about. I speculate that I would be rather worried should I find myself alone in those passages nowadays =P      
  After we drove around stanley park and checked out the totem poles. Juniper and Lindemann created their own totem pole. For dinner, went to try one of many izakayas found in Vancouver. Kingyo proved to be delicious.    
   
   
and so ends the first day of our partial Saga-ken reunion for 2007. | | |
| The other night, I was waiting for a bus. I took a seat and was killing my already poor eyesight by reading Metro, or maybe it was 24. (aside- I'm come to realize that both newspapers have the same stories. I didn't find this was the case for the Calgary ones... but that's probably cuz I only read them both on the same day about 3 times) Somebody walks up and I glance up. She says Hi and I say Hi back. I go back to reading and angling the paper so that it falls under the street lamp. After 5 minutes, the lady begins speaking to me. She was warning me about a little tiger in the neighborhood. That the police had been called the previous week but that the little tiger had not been caught. The police had chosen not to scare it out of the forested area in the neighborhood. They felt that it was far more dangerous to aggrevate it, lest it should become aggressive. She told me to be more alert at the bus stop. To not sit down but to stand. She said that the little tiger isn't hiding in the forested area, but in the butches, the shorter plants. (Ti thinks... shrub, I think she's trying to say shrub... maybe its a plant terminology I don't know!) As the bus arrives and we sit down. She turns around and asks... what language do you speak? I was wary... The first half of the answer was kinda smart alecky... "I speak English". Then I felt bad so I added... "and Cantonese". I actually thought the lady was Thai or Malay or Philipino... (course I never could tell different ethnicities even though I'm an asian myself. I've been told I look stereotypical Chinese.) Anyhow she tells me the same story in Cantonese till we get to Butches. Lady: Watch out for the butches. You know what I mean? Butches? Moi: (looks innocent... thinking... oh why oh why did you have to ask?!? ) Uhh... I'm not sure. Lady: You're born here, you should know this word. Butches Moi: (in Cantonese) how do you spell it? Lady: Butches. Butches. Moi: (awkward chuckle) yeah... I'm not sure. ----- the conversation ended shortly after and I thanked the lady before getting off the bus. I was touched she would speak to a stranger and warn about prowling little predators. I wasn't aware of the issued warning and if I decide to go to that neighborhood again, I suppose I'll keep an eye out for the little tiger. just as I was about to sleep... I finally figured out what she was trying to say.... no wonder she thought I was an idiot! | | |
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